The Big D


Smile.  Even if it’s crooked.  -Me 🙂


There are so many ways that I could go with this title… So. Many.  But, peeps, get your mind out of the gutter, and the sewer because D does not stand for the dirty four letter “d” word OR diarrhea OR divorce.  I’m talking about DEPRESSION.

If you haven’t heard much from me lately, it’s the D’s fault.  If you haven’t seen much of me lately – it’s also the D’s fault.  I haven’t been blogging – it’s because of the D. If I’ve committed to something and haven’t followed through – blame the D.  You probably wouldn’t have dreamed that I would suffer from this…I may be the last person in the world that you think would be DEPRESSED.  I mean, my job is to motivate people, write music, share my life, teach people, have endless energy…  how could I be depressed?  

I was on the fence about writing this – about going more in depth about this, but I have a small platform of people that sometimes read what I write, and maybe it will touch one person.  Maybe one person will relate to what I’m saying, and if that happens – then its worth it.

So what does my depression look like?  I haven’t have many feelings lately, decisions are hard to make, I’m in a bit of a daze, and I’d rather be curled up in bed with Zoe, Netflix and a chocolate cake than do pretty much anything.  I haven’t wanted to see anyone, much less work out.  I have not had the motivation to work at all, but that’s really not a choice.  I want to just check out, buy a ticket to the beach and sit there with a floppy hat, a Diet Coke and not think about anything but the waves, what type of fish I’ll have for lunch and contemplate doing some yoga. Instead of running away, I put my face on every day, rally for my clients, and for myself. I’ve started back on anti-depressants and have gone to see my counselor.  Yes, I have done all of that. And, I’m not crazy (well, maybe a little of the good kind).  I’m also not ungrateful or not thankful for every single thing that has happened lately…no, that’s not it.  I’m actually very HAPPY… I look at my life and feel blessed.  So, how can I be depressed you ask?  I kind of wish I knew the answer…  I kind of wish I could just snap out of it.

In the midst of feeling like this – I’ve gotten to create an album of songs that I’ve wanted to put together for years… all because a bunch of awesome people gave some of their money and their faith to me in order to make it happen.  WOW. Like, WOW.  In the midst of feeling like this – I have had client after client come into my house looking to me for energy and motivation, proving to be better each and every time I see them, and after they each leave – THEY fill me up, THEY motivate me with their want, drive and energy. WOW.

But even in all of that good stuff – it has been a struggle to go to the studio, to muster the energy to sing or write a workout for someone or even to make small decisions. Every single thing seemed so overwhelming, and as a person that likes to give their all to what they are doing – I felt like I could only give about 40%. Once I started doing whatever task was before me – I always felt better in the moment, but I was just overwhelmed going into anything.  Herein lies the cycle…  you don’t want to do anything, so you don’t, then you feel worse and then you REALLY want don’t want to do anything and you don’t want to be around anyone and STILL don’t want to do anything and it just keeps going around and around.  Not good.

Depression runs in my family.  Two people in my immediate family members have committed suicide… don’t worry – that’s not me, I have a VERY mild case, but it is hereditary, and it is a REAL thing.  There are all types of depression and varying degrees of seriousness, but it can make you physically ill.  It can change your life, who you think you are and what you think about yourself, and it can effect your relationships.  WebMD says the following about just how common depression is:

How Common Is Depression?

It is estimated that, by the year 2020, major depression will be second only to ischemic heart disease in terms of the leading causes of disability in the world. But people with depression sometimes fail to realize (or accept) that there is a physical cause to their depressed moods. As a result, they may search endlessly for external causes.

To me, it’s simply a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be triggered by certain things, circumstances, seasons, or it might just run in your family. AND IT’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. There are so many things to do that can help – whether you’re depressed or not! I’ve recently figured some of these things out, and I’m feeling better every single day.

  1. Exercise
  2. Reach out to friends
  3. Do the things you don’t want to do
  4. Seek guidance from a counselor or medical professional
  5. Don’t be ashamed
  6. Be open to medication
  7. Accept help

I’m feeling better every day.  Talking about it helps, being consistent, setting goals and getting out of the house…  Believe me, if you suffer from this – you CAN overcome.  You CAN.

I’m proud to talk about this because there is such a stigma about depression, treatment and medication and just the disease in general.  This stigma simply needs to be broken and talked about.  I feel courageous, I am accepting of this about me, and I am OKAY because this is a part of who I am – the good, the bad and the ugly…it makes me, ME.  I am more than depression.  I’m a work in progress. There’s so much more to me than this one thing – and if you suffer from this – try to hold on to that.  I am okay. This will make me stronger.  This isn’t all that I am, but it is a part of what makes me WHO I am.

8 thoughts on “The Big D

  1. Your not alone and you matter to a whole lo of people. It will pass and we will all still be here with you. You grow on everyone who seems to meet you….hang in there, it will pass.

  2. From the time I saw you perform in the Nashville airport to listening to your demo and following you on various social medias, I have always been a fan and supporter. You are very talented and offer a lot of beauty in God’s great earth. Always look up and smile to our Father for inspiration. We love you. I’m so excited to see what’s in store for you. No matter what you do, remember you are a gift, you are loved and you are special.

    1. Thank you so so so much Larry!!!! It’s so great to hear from you, and thank you for keeping up with me through all the years!! The unending support and love mean more than you know. I hope you are GREAT!!!!

  3. Thank you. You put into words what I could not. I am beyond blessed with a loving husband, beautiful little boy, and a comfortable life. Yet, I don’t feel I’m happy as I should be. I’m overwhelmed by little things and social events are downright exhausting. I’ve questioned whether or not this is depression. And ultimately decide it’s not because I don’t cry all the time and contemplate suicide. So I must not be depressed right? Wrong. You’ve opened my eyes that depression can look and feel very different to different people and be of varying degrees. Thank you for that.

    1. I am SO glad that this blog reached you and made you think about things… I’ve learned that depression comes in ALL shapes and sizes, and just because we/I have a severe case of depression doesn’t mean that it’s any less important to pay attention to. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you find some relief soon!

  4. So inspiring to read. I don’t struggle w this, but have family members who do and your story is so familiar. Your transparency will be blessed. Congrats on your album and all that God has for you.

    Tonya Lynette Stout Sent from my iPhone


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s